


the small hours

by januarys



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2013-02-08
Packaged: 2017-11-28 15:03:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/675736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/januarys/pseuds/januarys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ME1. <i>Like a rabbit down a hole, Kaidan fell hard and fast for Shepard.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	the small hours

**Author's Note:**

> Well this hasn't been done before! Just an expansion of Kaidan and Shepard's romance throughout ME1. It mainly follows canon and includes some memorable scenes while also adding some new ones. *waves creative license* Some dialogue is taken from the game, slightly tweaked as well. I do hope you like it <3

It started when she first stepped foot onto the Normandy.

The crew was running around the deck, data pads and jumbled information strewn everywhere. Anderson's voice is heard booming from his cabin one floor down, Joker is complaining about the shift in balance from the drive core. Pressly is just… Pressly.

Kaidan takes a breath, pinches the bridge of his nose, and tries to will away the upcoming migraine. He needs a goddamn shot of whisky, and the mission hasn't even started yet.

Throughout the commotion, few crewmembers register the ships VI identifying a new member on board but Kaidan doesn't register it.

The information on the data pad has to be corrupt, does that say  _Commander Shepard? The_ Shepard? From  _A_ _kuze?_ He shakes his head, taps away at the keyboard to reload the information.

He barely notices when Joker falls silent, Pressly following suit. It's only after a few moments of utter silence that he registers it, and he turns around to question Joker—

—only to find himself staring at an armour clad, ridiculously attractive woman with a bemused smile playing on her ridiculously full lips.

Kaidan's heart skips a beat when she laughs at his expression, the dull lighting from the Normandy's interior reflecting softly on her flaxen brown hair. Her gaze is inviting and when she holds out her gloved hand to shake his own, he almost forgets how to move.

"Shepard," she says to him, voice deeper than her tiny frame suggests, "Commander Shepard and you are…?"

He swallows as he grasps her hand, tries not to gawk at her strong her grip is, tries not to gawk in general. It's only when Joker interrupts to move things along does he realise that she's disappeared down the deck, a warm smile thrown over her shoulder as she heads off to see Anderson. It's only when she's gone does Kaidan realise that he didn't even say anything to her.

He'd punch the smirk off of Joker's face if it wouldn't break his jaw.

*

It was only an hour before that Jenkins was gushing about Eden Prime, and how he was going to kick ass on Eden Prime, and then he would move to Eden Prime when he finished his service and settle down with a cute missus and have two point five kids.

Now as he ghosts his hand over Jenkins lifeless eyes, Kaidan can feel his biotics flare up at the sight of his lost friend, his exuberance already dust in the wind. He takes a few deep breaths to calm him, fight back the hot feeling in his eyes.

Shepard puts a hand on his shoulder, the other fingering the safety of her pistol. He looks at her briefly, expecting pity but instead sees understanding, before he looks back to Jenkins.

"We'll give him a proper burial once the mission is through," she tells him softly, "he deserves that much."

Her words stay with him in the following hour. Everything happens at once. Her hand is gone from his shoulder, Williams makes their squad a trinity once again, and Shepard throws him out of the way to take the brunt of the beacon instead. She crumples to the ground, still, and Kaidan acts on instinct.

He tries not to show his desperation as he and Williams carry her back to the Normandy's medbay. When she wakes up fifteen hours later and brushes off his apologies with that familiar smile on her lips, he can finally breathe.

*

When Shepard steps up to the council, the picture of humanity's efforts in their struggle for galactic recognition, the pride he has towards her is nothing compared to when he was made Lieutenant all that time ago.

Anderson watches to the side like a proud father, Williams can barely muffle her excitement behind her hand, and when the First Human Spectre turns around to face him, even she can't hold back the large smile on her face. Williams brushes past him, grabs Shepard in a tight hug, and Shepard has the audacity to return the clinch to spin the gunnery chief around.

Then she looks at him, eyes twinkling, and approaches him. Kaidan offers his hand, an echo of their first meeting, and Shepard grasps it with both hands, something new.

"Congratulations, Spectre Shepard."

She makes a face and releases her hold. "Think I prefer Commander still. Or Shepard. Spectre just doesn't roll off the tongue."

"Not yet anyway." Kaidan chuckles and she watches him for a brief moment with an unreadable expression in her eyes, before she turns to face Anderson.

Later on when his words run away from him as the three of them gaze out into the Nebula, that same expression is in her eyes, and Kaidan finds that he quite likes it. As though it's just for him and no one else.

*

His terminal in the mess is always finding some way to make his life more difficult, and Kaidan wouldn't be surprised if Joker knows something about it. He pinches away an oncoming migraine and gets back to work. With Artemis Tau and Dr. Liara T'soni six hours away, he has plenty of time to figure out the problem and maybe catch some shut eye.

Easier said than done.

He notices Shepard running around the mess during the first two hours, sometimes with a crew member, sometimes alone. She doesn't seem to run out of breath, despite constant exertion, even when she breaks out into a sprint up the stairs to the CIC at one point. He tries to stay focused.

Key word being: focused. By the third hour he gives up fixing his terminal. The damn thing is more trouble than it's worth. He might give Tali a hail. Or he should try turning it off and back on, apparently that works.

In his peripheral vision Shepard approaches him and his terminal troubles are forgotten as she gives him that steady smile and inviting aura. There's a small part of him that tells him to stop this while it's starting, he's experienced this sort of thing before and it hasn't turned out spectacularly.

The rest of him is telling that small part to shut the hell up and take the goddamn opportunity.

They fall into easy conversation, her general interest towards his childhood a small surprise. Then she claims that her biotics falls short of his own abilities, but he assures her that she's above and beyond what he could ever achieve. Despite the lax conversation, she _still_ is his commanding officer. She laughs, and his heart jumps at the sound of it.

"The chief was right Alenko; you really don't get much shore leave."

Kaidan doesn't blush, he's thirty two damn it. "Well Commander," he tries not to notice the flicker in her gaze at the reminder of her rank, "I try to keep humble about these things. It helps me become better at what I'm capable of."

Shepard moves past him, brushes his arm unconsciously, and fiddles with his terminal for a moment. It then flickers back to life and she turns to grin at him.

"I think you're a lot better than you give yourself credit for, Alenko."

The warmth that pools in his chest isn't because of what she said, it isn't. Shepard turns to head back to the CIC, claiming offhand that Artemis Tau is within range and to gear up.

Kaidan blinks and stares at the timestamp on his terminal. He'll be damned. Then he calls out to her and she pokes her head around the corner of the stairwell, a puzzled look on her face.

"Just… do you make a habit out of getting personal with your crew like this?"

She stops for a moment before falling back into her skin, a small smile on her face. "No, no. Just you."

Well shit.

He'll need some time to process that. He even says that to her. She just laughs and the sound echoes on her way up the stairs.

*

There's one time aboard the Normandy when he wakes up with a pulsating migraine, and Kaidan knows it's going to be a bad day. He files for a sick day, something he rarely does unless it's desperately required, and heads to the medbay.

Everything adds to the pain. The hum of the Normandy's engines behind the walls, the dull tapping of Chakwas data pad from her perch from the other side of the room. Even the dim lighting is enough to make him feel weak.

His implant feels like it wants to burst from his skin, and above trying to fight off the pressure against his skull, he clenches his fists to avoid scratching the damn thing. He takes a few deep breaths and leans back against the bed, tries to block out the bright lights by placing his arm over his eyes, tries to focus on the darkness instead.

Kaidan doesn't register another presence beside him until quite some time later. He chances the consequences of the rooms lighting and turns to discover his companion. His eyes widen when he sees Shepard sitting beside him, the worry in her face barely concealed behind her usual mask.

They watch each other for a moment and Kaidan makes an attempt to sit up. She beats him to the punch and forces him back down, her calloused fingers pressing against the skin on his neck. He feels hot suddenly, tries to ignore it.

"I don't think so, Kaidan. Don't force yourself on account of me."

Kaidan sighs and tries to pinch away the migraine, more out of habit than anything. Shepard's mouth curls upwards in one corner before she moves her hand away, fingers leaving a soft imprint on his skin. She settles back down beside him, tries not to appear too worried when he rests his palms against his eyes.

"I'm fine, Shepard. I'm _fine_. Nothing I haven't dealt with before."

It's the quietest she's been since she stepped foot onto the Normandy. The sound of her soft breathing keeps him at bay, reminds him that he's faced worse things before, that she's fought horrors bigger than his own.

"You..." Shepard keeps her voice low, tries not to attract Chakwas wandering ear, "never considered getting the retrofit?"

He shakes his head, presses his fingers harder against his eyelids. The ship seems so loud.

"There are others worse off than me." Kaidan turns to look at her and offers a small smile. "What kind of Alliance soldier would I be if I couldn't handle a little headache?"

It's quiet for a while. Even the Normandy follows suit.

"Kaidan…"

Then her hand is resting on his arm as though he's made of glass. He shifts his head to look at her, and can't bring himself to tear away from her gaze.

Her thumb brushes his skin softly. He focuses on that.

*

Williams grits her teeth, watches the creature scuttling around the dirt intently before she does a swan dive towards it. That effort is in vain as proven when the dust clears and the chief is empty handed.

"I hate monkeys!"

Williams groans as she beats a fist against the ground. Shepard keels over with laughter.

Kaidan takes a second to power down his amp, watch this moment before him. Williams' pristine armour covered in grass smears and dirt patches, Shepard clutching her stomach as she laughs breathlessly, strangely coloured monkeys watching the three of them like they're crazy.

The commander falls to her knees, looks up at Kaidan's bemused expression behind his helmet, laughs even harder. Kaidan can't tear his eyes away from her carefree form. Williams glances between the two of them, a knowing smile on her face.

When Shepard's laughter dies down, and Williams has plucked the data module from a nearby monkey with a huff of triumph... Kaidan hopes it will always be like this.

*

Shepard is alone in the mess after Ontarom, the crew giving her a wide berth. Kaidan watches her twist her fingers together, knee shaking, eyes trained ahead to the wall at the end of the deck. He looks to Vakarian, who pushes him out from the stairwell and watches him approach her. Wimp.

She doesn't look up at him when he sits down beside her, though her posture loosens slightly, her knee ceases its shaking. Nothing is said for a while.

Shepard clears her throat. "If-if I had  _known_  Toombs was alive..."

"I know," he says, taking her hands in his without thinking, "I know."

She watches his hands claim hers, says nothing and looks up at him. Her eyes shine brighter than normal, her bottom lip beneath her teeth.

"I thought that I was the only one who survived that mess. For so long. To know that there's someone else out there now…" She takes a breath. "...is it selfish to think that I'm glad I'm not suffering alone anymore?"

Kaidan grips her hands tighter, notices how his own make hers seem even tinier. Despite her calloused palms and fingertips, her skin is smooth, marred occasionally by an old scar raised on her flesh. He looks at her, her brown eyes bore into him.

"Human nature. We're entitled to feel that way, at least once in a while. Try not to make a habit out of it."

Shepard laughs. He then hears Vakarian cheer from behind the stairwell and it elicits a smile on her lips. Kaidan decides to have a chat with the turian officer about the importance of discretion later on.

*

Virmire is eleven hours out when Shepard orders the crew to get completely wasted. Kaidan isn't one to argue with that, and he doesn't think Williams has ever been more excited in her life. Even Joker makes his way down from the cockpit, though Chakwas advises against the idea because of his medication. Oh well.

When Kaidan asks Shepard for her reasoning behind this, she just shrugs. Shore leave is a rare thing on this mission, so they may as well make the Normandy their shore. For now at least.

Williams let her hair out a long time ago and rejected glasses in favour of the bottle. Vakarian holds her by the shoulders to keep her steady, though his current state begs to differ. Kaidan is used to seeing the officer rather composed; now he leans slightly more to the left than normal.

Tali has taken up with Liara and Joker about how straws are the most innovative invention the humans have brought along. Joker claims that honour belongs to Kaidan's terminal and the Lieutenant knocks the hat off of his head.

Liara giggles through it all, unused to a constant flow of alcohol in her system.

The whisky plays with his head, makes everything more amplified than it was before he burned it down his throat. He keeps his actions in check, tries to be sure his biotics don't act up under the influence. Williams offers herself as a target. Kaidan assures her that won't be necessary.

He peers around the mess, tells himself that he's not searching for Shepard. His eyes fall on the commander seated across from Wrex whose face looks more pinched than usual. The smug look on Shepard's face is something Kaidan files away, not wanting to forget that expression for a long time yet.

Her fingers toy with the rim of her glass, full to the brim of warm amber liquor. Wrex's eyes watching them dance. Then she downs the drink in one fell swoop and slams the glass on the table, the creases around her eyes the only evidence that she even done so.

Wrex shakes his head and clambers away from her, unable to keep up. The crew situated around them cheer for the commander and Kaidan is a little impressed, and a lot turned on-- God, he needs to stop that train of thought.

He goes to her, admires the way her hair is falling away from her tight bun, how her cheeks are flushed from the excess liquor inside of her, the relaxed look in her eyes as though she hasn't a goddamn care in the world. Shepard turns to him and gives him that familiar smile, motions at him to sit next to her. Kaidan does just that.

Then she places a hand on his knee, and he tries to ignore the way the crew notices that. Shepard doesn't seem to care. Kaidan holds onto his whisky a little tighter.

"Kaidan. Be proud of me."

He already is. "Why?"

Shepard's chesire cat smile is infectious and he finds himself grinning along with her. "I just outdrank a goddamn krogan! Me! Outdrank a krogan!" She gives off a mighty chuckle and leans back in her chair, her body slotting against the contours easily. " _That_ … is  _so_  much better than becoming a Spectre any day!"

It's all Kaidan can do to laugh. She laughs with him, inches her hand up higher onto his thigh, and he definitely tries not to notice that. The crew around them seem to have dispersed and she relaxes into her chair once again, runs her free hand through her hair and toys with her loosened bun.

"This was a good idea." Shepard says, snorting at Williams who has taken to arm wrestling with the crew, raven hair all over her flushed face. Her tone has softened into something wistful and she turns to look at Kaidan. He finally takes notice of how very close she is, from the splay of freckles along her face, the wisps of hair dancing around her eyes, to the scar cutting through her eyebrow and lips.

Those lips. Her scent. Her hand on his thigh.  _Her._

Kaidan clutches his glass to breaking point. Shepard notices his rigid posture, a beat pasts, removes her hand and gently pries it from his grip. He doesn't move to take it back. She sighs, and he thinks that she wants to talk about this…  _thing_  happening between them, thinks that she's trying to find the right words to do so.

He remembers something Williams said to her once. Hell if he knew the context of it but it's constantly burning in his head whenever he sees Shepard approach him, that knowing smile on her lips.

" _Fraternisation is against regulations, mam. Don't ask, don't tell."_

Kaidan's too far gone for that.

In his riviere Shepard has stumbled to her feet, turned to face him. Her eyes hold that look he's come to cherish for his own. She watches him for a moment before turning to face the crew on the other end of the mess, Williams claiming victory over them all. Her face looks determined.

"I did this because I don't know what's waiting on Virmire, Kaidan. I hate not knowing what's going to happen."

He doesn't say anything. Shepard hangs her head.

"The last time I had this feeling… was before Akuze."

Then she walks away, past the celebrating crew and straight to her cabin. She disappears around the corner, and Kaidan can't bring himself to go after her. Not yet.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, and tries to slow his heart rate down.

*

Kaidan screams at Shepard, damn the chain of command. Williams. Go for Williams. She has so much more to gain in her life. Williams. Ashley. Go get Ashley.

Geth are everywhere. The salarian unit is on its last legs. His pistol has malfunctioned. Biotics are past breaking point. The sun is too bright. The shots are too loud. He can hear Shepard breathe softly into the transmitter and he wants to tell her how he feels about her, how he hoped that something could from this, how she makes him feel—

Ashley. Ashley.  _Ashley._

"Kaidan, I'm coming to you. Just hang on."

His heart stops. He can hear Ashley smile. Shepard's hurried footsteps to the AA tower. Ashley starts detonation and cries out as a stray bullet hits her. There is Saren and more geth and the Normandy is coming in hot and Shepard supports him through the cargo hold, doesn't look back to the facility.

Ashley recites Ulysses in his ear. Shepard is stoic. Virmire is in the background. She grips onto the map railing and there is a flash and—

Ashley is gone.

*

"I couldn't leave you behind, Kaidan. You know that." Shepard says.

For the first time since they shook hands in a busy cockpit all those months ago, Kaidan can't look at her. He turns back to his terminal, as though it holds all the answers to the universe within its coding.

After a few minutes, Shepard's footfalls are all that's left of her.

*

Kaidan is drawn to Ashley's old spot in the cargo hold.

Small pieces of her remain behind. The rest of the crew are unable to return her belongings to her family just yet. A hardcover book of classic poetry sits beside a sniper rifle, a hunting knife with a delicate engraving on the blade glinting softly, a data pad with her thoughts for the world to see.

He picks it up, scrolls through the various notes. Details of her assignments, memories of her family, opinions of the diverse crew that Shepard picked up along the way. Kaidan remembers the hostility Ashley once held for them, and how she ended up being carried to her sleeping pod by Garrus before Virmire. No cares in the world.

Ashley is gone. She's _gone._ Just like that.

There are familiar footsteps behind him and Shepard approaches him. She's left him alone, not chancing a glance in his direction when she enters the mess, speaking only when required. Her eyes fall on the book of poetry and she picks it up, thumbing through the worn pages, eyes shining.

"Ashley told me once that I deserve to be selfish," she says, voice quieter than Kaidan's used to, " and she told me that I've lost too much just to gain barely anything in return. Then she poured me a drink and toasted to the very military that screwed her over too many times."

Kaidan can't stop the huff of laughter. Shepard looks at him, hope clouding her face, her eyes. Everything.

"I see her face every time I close my eyes. I have to live with that. Not you. Until you're in that position Kaidan, until you have to choose between the two people you care about the most in the world…" She exhales, scans a line of poetry, looks back to him, "…please understand."

The cargo hold is suddenly very quiet. Kaidan looks at her properly for the first time in what feels like days. There are dark circles beneath her eyes, a constant line between her brow, fear beneath the hope in her gaze. He puts the data pad down and places his hand over the pages of Ashley's book, fingers touching Shepard's.

"Okay," he whispers, "okay."

*

Shepard disappears after the Council meeting, refusing to even listen to Andersons reasoning. Kaidan tracks her back to the almost-empty Normandy, follows Jokers thumb jerk to the mess, ever reliant with his directional skills. His footsteps fill the hollow space, his heart pounding to the echoes.

He runs through his head everything that has happened since the day he met her, when she offered a smile and a hand. He tries to think of life before Shepard, back when he was holding back with his biotics, when the idea of love was nothing more than a one night stand after a night out at a bar back in Vancouver—

Love. Damn. He half expects a migraine to come on at this point, almost wishes for it.

Kaidan hears a thud in the mess, as though someone's fist connected with the lockers. He comes down the stairwell to see Shepard with said fist against her personal locker, chest heaving, shoulders tight. He approaches her slowly, wary of any pent up rage being directed at him. She turns at the sound of his footsteps, her shoulders slump and she sits up against her locker.

There's defeat bleeding out of everywhere, from her posture to the look in her eyes. Even her smile is only half-hearted. He wants to offer support, words of comfort, a gesture of understanding. Kaidan doesn't think it will be good enough though. He has no idea what's going through her mind, the prospect of Saren within an arm's reach, but the ability to put an end to this an entire galaxy away.

He's careful with his wording, careful with how everything sounds when they roll off his tongue. It's not too late to stop this, not too late to make sure that nothing changes, that all this tip-toeing around each other was exactly that. Kaidan ignores the tight feeling in his chest every time she looks at him, the way his heart rate picks up every time she smiles at him.

Shepard is smiling at him.

He's completely lost.

*

Kaidan holds out his hand and tells her, "It will be alright, Shepard."

Shepard reaches out to him and he pulls her close. Doesn't try to think about how her body's contours align with his. He takes in her scent, autumn and gunmetal, and she's so close that he can count her eyelashes, the freckles on her face.

Her arms snake around his neck, fingers carding into his hair. He can feel her heartbeat flutter against his chest and god; he wants to feel like this forever. That look is back in her eyes, the look reserved for him and Kaidan needs to be closer to her, needs to feel that spark when he touches her skin. Her breath is warm on his jaw, on his mouth and he wants this he wants this he needs—

*

He throws Joker's hat off the docking bay ten minutes later.

*

They just stole the Normandy.  _They just stole the—_

"Borrowed, Lieutenant," Joker says from his perch, "we  _borrowed_ the Normandy. Even though it was technically ours anyway but they're not going to let us go on a technicality. So just pretend I never said anything."

He turns to look at him, a knowing smile on his lips.

"We have about eight hours before the Mu Relay. The mess is empty, and the Commander's in her cabin. You know, if you were curious."

Kaidan almost feels bad for throwing his hat into the depths of the Presidium. Almost. He turns to take Joker's advice, stops short when the pilot clears his throat.

"Whatever happens in Ilos… just be sure to tell her how you feel."

Kaidan runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "Are we that obvious?"

Joker gives him a look. "A geth would be able to see what's been going on between the two of you, Alenko."

He owes Joker another hat.

*

Kaidan remembers a particular assignment in the first few days after Eden Prime. Admiral Kahoku had sent word about his group of missing marines on Edolus, and Shepard had set course immediately.

For what the planet lacked in a liveable environment it made up for in minerals, which in turn granted the crew a generous fund from the Alliance. Yet, the missing marines still had not shown face.

He remembers Shepard pushing herself to find them, not telling anyone the reasoning behind her determination. He suspected it had something to do with Akuze, with putting the (presumably) dead to rest, their families minds at ease.

It was on the third day of their search when a thresher maw slid out from the earth as though it were water, dead marines scattered around it like a smorgasbord.

Kaidan turned to Shepard to hear her orders, ready to spring into action, but she was clambering out of the Mako, her biotics flaring brightly and her pistol packing rounds strong enough to take down the damn thing.

Ashley shrieked as Shepard charged towards the monster, and Kaidan could feel his heart in his throat. Instinct took over and he launched a missile at the creature which swarmed dangerously close to his commanding officer.

His eyes found the distinct purple glow of her biotic charges in the field, pistol long forgotten on the ground. Her face was strained, blood gushing from her nose as she attempted to  _throw_ the damn thing using her biotics.

Kaidan tore himself out of the Mako without thinking.

"Commander, get the hell away—!"

Everything happened in seconds. The maw was thrown across the field, pistol back in Shepard's grip, and the weapon malfunctioned because of how many shots she took to it. He watched her with wide eyes as she stepped closer to the quivering monster, familiar energy of warp leaving her fingertips, and the creature was killed with one final shot.

Shepard threw her weapon onto the ground, wiped the blood from her still-bleeding nose and turned back to Kaidan, barely registering the disbelief on his face. Ashley raced to her, medi-gel at the ready, but Shepard shook her off and headed back to the Mako, pace slower than normal.

"G-get the dog tags off the marines and have them s-sent to the Admiral." It was all she said.

Later on when Kaidan was fiddling with his terminal and she was wandering the ship, she told him about Akuze. He was right. Shepard was never able to get the names of her men back to their families, never about to put their minds at ease.

It was the first time he offered support in the form of his hand grasping her shoulder. She had leaned into the touch. They then acted like nothing happened and resumed their duties.

It was enough back then. Just enough.

*

The glow of her terminal is the only light in her cabin when he enters.

Kaidan didn't give much thought as to how this going to happen. He was talking with Joker one minute and then he was outside her door without even a contingency plan. He forgets his worries when she walks up to him, that look in her eyes, a smile on those lips he was so desperately close to just yesterday.

He starts rambling, loses himself to the sound of his words, to the way she makes him feel. He stepped closer to Shepard at one point, takes in the freckles that scatter across her cheeks, scars highlighted in a way that makes her appear all the more beautiful.

Her hand finds its way up his arm, fingers leaving a trail of warmth behind. Her biotics get into his skin, cause that warmth he's associated with her to pool in his stomach. His clothes feel too tight, the room too warm. She's pressed flush against him, her skin hot against his own.

Shepard leans in, her full lips against his ear, and he buries his face in crook of her neck, lips against her collarbone. Her fingers dance through his hair, nails against his scalp.

"Bunk here tonight, Kaidan."

Kaidan kisses her with all he has, even more if he could. He pours everything into it, the fleeting glances across the mess, the times she sat with him during his migraines, the way she would cock her head slightly during a conversation, her hands dwarfed by his own, the fact that he's so _desperately_ in love with her. But he's tired of his words, and wants to show her through his actions.

He bites at her bottom lip, teeth grazing over the raised scar and the small sound she makes sets him off. Their hands are  _everywhere_ and his own roam down her lithe body, grab her at the top of her thighs to pick her up, never breaking the desperate clinch of their lips. Shepard wraps her legs around him, her hair falling around her face and the scent of autumn fills his senses.

They reach the bed and he places her down gently, never breaking contact, never wanting to lose the opportunity to touch her. She untucks the hem of shirt and pulls it over his head, losing touch for that second before he returns, the taste of her being everything he needs. Kaidan does the same to her, her small sounds of desperation setting him off further and he tears his lips away to just  _look_ at her.

She's gorgeous. Lips bruised from his need to have them against own, her hair a mess of waves, her eyes dark with  _want_. Kaidan kisses the corner of her mouth, the freckle on her jaw, down the expanse of her neck, the swell of her breast, to the smooth plan of her stomach, mouths the jut of her hipbone and Shepard gasps.

"So damn long," he rasps against her skin, "so long I've wanted this Shepard."

Shepard chuckles and deftly unzips her pants, Kaidan finishes the job. "You a-and me both, Kaidan."

He rises back to kiss her again, desperate for her lips against his. Too long has he imagined this, too long has he wanted to be hers and only hers. Kaidan tries to put his words into this, tries to tell her how he feels, because that what Shepard does. She comes in discreetly but everyone knows she's there. God, how does she do that? How does she bring the light into a dark place?

Her hands intertwine with his, calloused fingers familiar but alien. Kaidan remembers the first time he touched those hands, the first time being very long from the last. Shepard smiles into their clinch. He kisses her harder.

There's some fumbling, clothes completely strewn over the room. She's stalking his body like Kaidan is her prey, and he pins her underneath him. They breathe heavily together. He rests his forehead against hers, taking in her scent, the warmth of her skin, her body fitting perfectly against his own.

"If anything happens to you—"

Shepard silences him with a light kiss, gazes into his eyes with that goddamn look that started it all.

"This? Right here," she says softly, her breath warm against the skin of his lips, "is the only thing that's going to happen."

Kaidan comes apart.

*

When Sovereign explodes into the tower, Kaidan sees a number of things flash before him.

The orchid he played in as a child and appreciated as a man, gentle Rahna with terror in her eyes as he killed Vyrnnus with a roundhouse kick, migraines he thought he would never recover from and sometimes wished that was the case, his parents with pride as he received his first promotion in the Alliance, grasping hands with Commander Shepard, fleeting glances across the deck, Ashley whispering poetry through the transmitter, falling desperately for Shepard, for Shepard, for  _Shepard—_

Kaidan sees her disappear beneath the debris and time stops.

*

Then Shepard climbs over the scattered pieces, a broken arm held together by the glow of her biotics, a fresh laceration gushing from her neck to the corner of her eye, and a smile on her lips as she looks from Garrus to Anderson to Kaidan.

Her eyes never leave his as she approaches them. Then she completely bypasses the other two to kiss the hell out of his swollen lips.

Kaidan laughs and forgets about the mess, for now.

*

Four weeks later and the Normandy is quiet.

There's a dark corner in the mess area, and Kaidan presses Shepard against the cool sheeting of the wall. She chuckles at his desperation, but who can blame him? Four weeks without contact, without the feel of her skin against his own, her laughter around him, her lips against his. Kaidan tries to think of life before Shepard but comes up blank. It's like she's always been there in the corner of every memory, waiting for her time to take centre stage.

Her thumb brushes his cheek, eyes never away from him. Kaidan takes a breath.

"I lo—"

An explosion stops them short, and everything goes to hell.


End file.
